Trying to avoid it

Ok, so here is a bit of my story, that I feel I want to share with you all. I hope it's not too long.

As many of you here, I have been aware of something "different" about me all my life. Many subtle experiences and feelings from the time of my childhood and since I can remember, made it clear. I was always suspecting of my nature, and some times it made me feel very uneasy about myself. But for a long time, especially during my teens, the need to "fit in" and - yes, some degree of fear - silenced the voices.

What made me finally "click" came later in life, after a series of tragic disasters in a very short time span. I went through a depression, with your typical debauchery and letting-go phase. Four years later, and quite some prozac later too, I was stable again, and much more serene. All the areas in my life seemed to be working. All was going well for me again. However, out of the blue, last Christmas, I fell deep in a hole of shadows, where there was just nothing. No meaning to anything at all. I can't really explain this feeling, but let me tell you it was pretty scary. It was as if I had been pushed OUT the realm of the "living" and all I saw around me was death and nothingness. It was terrifying.

I said nothing about this to anybody, as I was completely scared s*tless. I only mentioned it to my partner, and he was good enough to offer support, but I only skimmed the surface of what I was going through, as I didnt want to "infect" him or anybody for that matter. So I decided to find a way to "deceive" myself that existence was actually of some meaning. Eventually I started to recover from that. And I felt that again I believed that there would be other lives to be lived. Somehow that made me feel better.

What happened next was unexpected. I went to a music concert with my partner and his friends. It was a gothic-death metal group, German I think, not really my scene, but I have eclectic tastes so I was enjoying it. At one point while there this deep terrible sadness came over me "again". I started to cry like a baby and decided to hide away from the people I was with so that they wouldn't freak out - at this point I already knew there was not way I could explain, and all I could do was "wait it out".

Well I slipped away and hid in a dark corner in the venue, nursing my drink and looking at the ground. At that moment, I physically felt the emotional pain being PULLED away from me. It was as if something was tugging at my chest. And I was dry from that moment on.

It was then that I began this search. I cannot even begin to express how excited I was to finally arrive at a familiar realm. Since then, for the past four months, I've been hungrily reading on Metaphysics, Hermeticism, Vampirism and Asetianism. Most of it seems familiar, it echoes somehow in the back of my mind.

I don't know what happened to me that night, or "who" happened. But since then I feel that my eyes have opened wide.

ps there are many more details I have not gone into, but basically that's the story at large. I felt I needed to tell *someone*. Thank you all for reading. I will also welcome any insight.

In my previous message I forgot to mention that I have also taken a few step backwards in my search. For the past month I decided to do an experiment, to avoid this whole thing, and went back to being "normal" or at least tried to be as far as I could. I was very skeptical and thought I was going through a placebo effect - in order to find meaning. So I tried to wait for it to "go away".

It hasn't. And finally, I can say I have fully accepted myself. That's why Im so enthusiastically posting away

Well, that's it for today. Thank you all.